TechNoir (technoir) wrote,

  • Mood:
I have seen one version of hell. Hell can be being strapped down, cathetered, with two tubes going down your throat. You can talk. You cant move. You cant go to the bathroom on your own. You cant eat. You cant tell people your in hell. People will talk to you like your a child but your mind is intact. Your framily will stare at you helpless and beg your patience and tell you to hold in there and get better, as if tell you this somehow made this easier. I have seen hell because my grandmother has been in hell for the third day now.

When I am there I try not to let the emotions out. I try and be the stoic one. the one who is calm and reasonable. I try and be the one people can lean on. I want to scream at my aunt and unkle for talking about DNR 4 hours after they intabated her. I want to scream at my aunt for saying grandma will never come out of this. I want to tear the head off the nurse who talks to my grandmother like she is 4. But I put all that in a box untill I get home. I cant let my feelings get in the way of doing what is needed. I hate this. I want my grandmother back.
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