March 9th, 2002

(no subject)

these are the rules of our little game, she said.
Who said she got to set the rules?
she already wins the game.
She smiles and touches me
and then she smacks me down.
I like playing with you, she says.
But only to a point I guess.
she taunts me and says I should want her,
but then she has someone else.
Am an ego drug for her I guess
a bit of speed for self esteem.
I just wish one I was not the safe one
I just wish sometimes
that I could find someone who wanted to stop playing games
for a little while.
cause games are nice
but I would like something real as wel

Sorry that was just a stream of conciousness thing I needed to get out of my system. I am in an odd mood this day. Maybe it is the weather? Or waking up on a couch...again. It will be nice when i can move beyond. I am so close to getting my life straight. The only part that is not improving is my laughingly named love life. It has been so long. I am even a bit numb to at times. Porno holds little interest for me. Debauchery? Been there, done that. I am looking for something now. I would like to find someone to share those quiet times with. Not just sex. I like sex dont get me wrong. I am red blooded and enjoy the pleasures of the flesh as much as most. But there has to be something more out there. I want to find someday what glass and kendra or Mickey and Veaya have. That whole love for life thing. to wake up and know i have someone to share my life with someday would be nice.

Maybe I am shooting to high though. I will be going to fantasm for my dose of debauchery. It is not a life mate or even a date but it is fun and it will be good to see old friends. ah well, enough rambling. i really should not write things in the first hour after a wake