March 19th, 2002

A bad time

Sunday....Saint paddy's day...was also the aniversary of my incarceration.

I was in jail, due to a being pulled over on a suspended licence and other stuff. Moot point realy, as I was working on getting out of jail, looking for bail in easily the most scary and most embarrasing time of my life, I talked to dad.

It would be the last time I would speak to him. He couldn't help me with bail and i was pissed.
He tried to say he was sorry and I lashed out at him. Of all things I have done or said I wish i could have taken that back. I was mean to him and hung up on him...I didn't even say goodbye.

A week later he died of liver failure. Part of me wonders if he knew that would be our last talk. The sad thing in all of that is I cant decide who I hate more in that, dad for killing himself for years, or me for not telling him how i felt about him before he left. He was disappointed in me so often in my life and all I ever wanted was to have his respect. He was not my natural father but that didn't matter to me cause he never treated me as anything less than his son. I loved him. He taught me to think, to argue, to take a stand.

In the end he drank himself to death. Like his best friend Karl Edward Wagner. He just gave up. He had been told to go to a hospital and he had told them he would go after he put the paper to bed. He was not a dumb man he knew what liver failure meant. He still went home and drank and i killed himself.

I hate him for that a little. I wish I had a chance to take back what I said but I cant. This coming monday is the aniversary of his death. I guess i have not been my usual chipper self toi my friends.....sorry gang. Marie has been a boon in keeping me cheered up. I owe her for that.

I guess I am done rambling now....

Jsut needed to get that out. Sorry to bore with my problems

Be well all