March 31st, 2002

feeling my miles

I was breifly at fantasm today. To those who dont know the creature of fantasm, it is nominally a science fiction convention. This is to say that it was created by sci-fi fans. It has long sence lost any pretence of sci-fi. It is in fact about debauchery. The panels at this con included bondage, web cam girls, and massage.

A little debauchery is cool. I have in the past been known to participate in such lovely affairs. I showed up mainly to see old friends and peruse the dealers room for bumper stickers(dont ask). There were no bumper stickers to be found and my friends all very busy. I said my hello's and made the of color remarks that the atmosphere of course demands. and then I left.

that is the odd part. Normally I would have stayed, gotten caught up in the debauchery, had a bit of sin and moved on. But I couldn't do it really.

The debauchery didn't really do anything for me. I found many a folk that I found attractive. I enjoyed the company. But I just wasn't interesrted in the Bachanalia to come later the evening. I began to wonder as I drove away from the con if I was getting to old.

I am 29.

That isn't all that old. Why then is it I feel old lately.

Part of it is my body. I creak more. My back hurts alot. I am never comfortable in my old skin and I have less flexability.

Part of it is attitude. I just dont think the way used. I have seen to much. I have done to much. I feel like I have seen to much road on my little journey.

Who knows realy?

I guess maybe part of it is being in a funk. I have been for a while now. I wish I could get out of it. But I guees mainly of late just feel so old.

oh well enough ramblings.

hope fully tommorrow I will only feel 35.

That is only slightly ancient...5 years older than dirt at least.

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