May 10th, 2002

Why am I afraid?

Of late I have come to relize I am afraid.

Not of the usual things. No fear of hieghts or open spaces or crowds or the like. I am of course of spiders but that is nothing new. No I have a new fear or maybe a very old one.

I am afraid of living.

I am constantly bothered by this terror rolling under my skin. This pathological fear of the other thing. That next thing to go wrong in my life. I have to constantly look around for the next disaster.

Will it be the car? My history with cars is long and unpleasent.

Will it be the law? Also not a fun story.

Will it be the job? Yeah gods I hope not, complaints aside it is the best job I have ever had.

All the while I let the stress kill me. People have surely noticed I am not myself lately. My stomach is begining to show the wear as well. No stomach lining for me soon.

I would love to relax and let it flow. I am not really stress guy by nature. I used to not let things bother me. Course i also used to sleep in the car. I guess I need the fear to keep what I have. I need it to keep from fucking up. Perhaps it is the price I pay to keep moving.

Great i get to sacrifice my sanity for security in my life. Oh well I will live. Aint nothing killed me yet.

Oh well enough analysis....on to bed.

TechNoir
Slaying My Own Unicorns
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