September 26th, 2002

the odd strings of thought

My home is a cluttered place. I am after all a cluttered person, with a cluttered mind. I blame my father really. He was slovenly in his private life. Bottles of vodka, his drink of choice scattered around his kitchen. His bad room was a simple unadorned bed with a chest of drawers. They were both covered his clothes or various books he was reading. Time Life WWII series stacked next to a well worn copy of a book by truman Capote. His cheap porn half buried by a stack of the Smithonian.

Of course I apparently learned my financial behavior from him. He would by bits of luxury in spurs of the moment. He Knew nothing apparently of being financially responsible. When he died suddenly a little over a year ago he left us little to nothing but a gaping hole in my heart and enormous debt. I wonder sometimes if he thought about that as he lay on his couch dying. When he drank the Vodka that killed did he think to himself "god damn it! I am leaving nothing!"

Okay I admit that was bitter.

I am also finding myself wondering about that. If I died tomorrow I would die in debt. I would die as a burden on people. Financially I am a disaster area. Not as bad as dad. No mortgages here thank you. But still it bothers me I am not really making it financially. I am so close too. It stings even more to making it to a goal to have it slap you in the face you are not there yet. I am not greedy. I don't want to be rich I am not even looking for the house with picket fence. I just want to be comfortable. To be able to develop a savings. To afford some little things from time to time. I don't want a new car. I don't want the life and kid. I gave up on being married a long of time. I am to irritating for that. I don't want much. I just want to live a life without worrying weather or not I will in the hole this month. But alas I am to frivolous for that. I cant seem to help to buy things on impulse. I am just like my father that way.

I took off a well needed couple of days from work today and tomorrow. I had the time acrewed and I need to get some relief from work. I am tired of the phone and need a break. I keep going hoping I will soon find my shot off the phone and in to a different position. One with better pay and less people screaming at me. That would be nice.

well it has been a lazy day hopefully I will be less morose tomorrow.

but that would hardly be like me.

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