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April 5th, 2004

Birthday

Hello father,

I haven't written in a while as you are dead now 3 years and I did not see much point. First off let say happy birthday dad. I wish you were still around so i could call you and say it in person. I always did on your birthday or around the holidays to get in touch and say niceties and tell each other lies about how well our lives were going.

God I have missed you these past few years. You and of course would argue and never seemed to agree. I also always felt like somehow i did not measure up to what you wanted in a son. So much potential wasted is what you used to say. Your right of course. I have never finished anything in my life. What good is being smart if you dont proove it from time to time. I did however apparently inherent your ability to offhandedly hurt peoples feelings without meaning to. You were a good teacher.

You taught me to value the arguement more than the point your making. You learn more that you would say. You taught me to love words and the sence of them. You taught me the power of history.IN alot of ways you made me a better man. You also made me doubt myself. You made like I didn't belong anywhere. I learned those things well.

But here it comes to it. I love you dad I really do. I wish you were here. I wish I could take back the things i said and say the things i should ha ve said. I was in jail when last we talked. I called a bastard. I asked you to bail me out and you told me you couldn't and i replied with some seriously fear driven venom that if it had been kelly you would have done what was needed. It wasn't true. I know now you were almost as broke as me. I knew then that I shouldn't have said it, but i was scared and angry and proud. And so a week or so later your dead. I was told by the doctor you saw he warned you your liver had failed and you needed immediate help. You pushed it off and said you needed to put the paper to bed first. So you ent home and drank yourself to death. You were not a stupid man you knew what liver failure meant. So I keep wondering if I had not said those things, would you have killed yourself.

Wow it still stings to say it. You know I used to ask that aloud while I was alone. Just to hear the words. I almost wanted to hear an answer. Like some cliche movie or book where the dead linger around us and i suppose they do, but not in a ghostly mentor sort of way. They hang on us like unpaid bills. Things we cant resolve.

Well dad i thought I would write you a letter. What the hell what can it hurt? I am surviving. Still not living in the car no more. Go me. Still affraid of life and living it. Wish I could shake it but I cant. I am affraid of ending like you. I do not want to die alone. You were a few days dead before anyone knew. Your family didn't know you were sick. Some coworker dropped by your place cause you were late to a meeting. I dont want to end like that. I am alone though. At least that is how it feels. i know it isn't all true. I have some of the best friends a man could want. My family may be scattered but we keep up with other more. My romantic life has never worked, probably never will. Weather it is religious differences or lifestyle ones I just cant seem to connect. It scares me at times. on the other hand at times I just accept somepeople are supposed to be alone. i guess I am one.

Oh well i have rmbled long enough. I hope you are happier in your place now than you were in life. I sitll miss sitting and talking with you for hours. I still miss having my hair messed up as you walked by. I miss flying a kite when i was little. I miss you and wish you were here.

Im sorry

TechNoir

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TechNoir

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