May 27th, 2005

(no subject)

So yeah I worked out a deal where i will pay 50 bucks a month for roughly 9 years. Of course if I do it for twelve months I will no longer be in default status which i guess is good. I am still angry over the whole situation, but I contacted the department of education in the first place to take care of the outstanding loan. Admitedly it was going to be done on my terms but that was the point. The thing they was wearing on me and still wears on me is that I am just seem to be spinning my wheels financially and maybe slowly loosing ground.

oh well I survived being homeless. I can survive this.

I did find last night that watching the road warrior and writing some in play letters was very theraputic. I felt better afterwards. I hope people enjoyed the letters at least.

oh well another day another dollar.

(no subject)

is it wierd that i feel more alive, more myself when I am angry and depressed. It is like like hurting is more real than the day to day trudge. I can remember being young and not being able to see the world beyond thirty. I hurt pretty much all the time. I thought I would burn out and go down hard. But I was alive. I was creative. I wrote pretty much most of the time. Is that what it takes? To be on the edge of falling? I kind of hope not. But it is odd to me most of the time i feel only half alive until I explode and am miserable and then I feel like me again. Thats no way to live but hey thats where I am at I guess. And no it is no coicidence i have writen more in the past two or three days than I have in weeks.

lets jump the fire I guess.

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