is it wierd that i feel more alive, more myself when I am angry and depressed. It is like like hurting is more real than the day to day trudge. I can remember being young and not being able to see the world beyond thirty. I hurt pretty much all the time. I thought I would burn out and go down hard. But I was alive. I was creative. I wrote pretty much most of the time. Is that what it takes? To be on the edge of falling? I kind of hope not. But it is odd to me most of the time i feel only half alive until I explode and am miserable and then I feel like me again. Thats no way to live but hey thats where I am at I guess. And no it is no coicidence i have writen more in the past two or three days than I have in weeks.